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There were nights when he had trouble sleeping. It wasn’t something he brought up casually, because the fact that Lonny knew at all was bad enough. Living with the person he worried for every day made it more difficult to hide those sorts of things, and though he didn’t necessarily feel that he had to keep them from Lonny it just seemed logical to given their current situation. All of this was a stress on both of them, and though he thought it was perhaps going to affect him a great deal he hadn’t realized how much it would effect Lonny. Perhaps the fact that his boyfriend had a peek in his nightmares was inspiration for that, and another thing that weighed on his mind, and added to his guilt. He wished Lonny had known nothing of his past, because what little he got was just..awful.
There were good things, more than negative, to living with Lonny through all of this. Even though he sometimes had a poor night sleep he could just turn over, look at the man in bed with him and breath easier knowing that he was there, and his. It never failed to ease him, but he couldn’t say if that was always the case for his partner. There were nights when he felt the bed move, but they were usually after bad nights of his own so once sleep had him it was hard to get him to stir much further than his noticing. However, that wasn’t the case once he reached out and felt the space where Lonny usually occupied and found it empty with mere traces of his warmth lingering.
His eyes opened slowly, stinging regardless of the dark. A tired huff escaped him, but he knew not to call for Lonny because he wasn’t there. Lazily he turned to his back, brought his hands to his face and rubbed them until it was easier to open them. Once they stung less he glanced over at Lonny’s spot and saw for himself, truly, that it was empty. A weight pressed on his chest, worry sinking in fairly quickly. When had he gotten up? How long had Jakob been laying asleep and hadn’t even noticed? He felt like a terrible partner, and a vampire at that for not having a more clearer sense, and though he could continue punishing himself he decided he ought to get up and look for the blonde.
It didn’t take much to get Jakob to worry about the whereabouts of his boyfriend, and his absence was more than enough to get him out of bed this time. The vampire sat up and pushed back the sheets, adjusted his boxers at his hips and slowly padded out of the room. It was dark in there room, so he didn’t think to check in the bath where a light would have surely been clearly visible under the crack of the door. So he ventured into the hall. It was dark there too, though he didn’t expect much less. Jakob turned to head down the stairs, yawning on his way to the first floor. He considered the kitchen, but still took a peek into the living room anyway. It was clear, though in his mind he could place the atmosphere it had been a couple days ago while Leila had spent some time visiting.
Either way it was empty now, and after he passed it and made his way to the kitchen he made note of the single, dim lamp light that reside above the window at the sink. He glanced outside, but was content in seeing nothing, even so it worried him that it was still so quiet and he had yet to find Lonny. Jakob sighed, but inwardly his heart began to skip a beat as his mind decided to play the what if game. It was the worst time for it, and it made him anxious as he moved away from the window and from the kitchen.
He had an urge deep down to call out to Lonny, but if all was well and there was nothing wrong he didn’t want to scare his boyfriend either. They were both so on edge sometimes but if this time it was just Jakob he didn’t want to drag his partner down with him, so as he walked from the kitchen down the hall to the spare rooms he kept his mouth shut. It was the only other place he thought to look anyway, Lonny’s art room, or the smaller study they’d sort of made out of Jakob’s computers, odds and ends. He felt a similar sort of weight of relief when he spotted a light on from underneath Lonny’s room, but before he entered he stood there, calmed himself so he didn’t look too nervous, and knocked. He entered, still trying not to make too much noise, and left the door slightly open as he stepped inside.
He didn’t know what to say at first, but stopped once he was a couple steps inside. He didn’t often come into Lonny’s space - well, unless he wasn’t around. It just seemed so private and personal. It was easier to sneak peeks while his boyfriend was at work and couldn’t catch him doing it. The fact that he was so often a muse for Lonny’s work just made it..more of a mischievous act, he thought. Seeing Lonny’s perspective, and how he viewed the vampire. It made him flustered. If Lonny were around to see it he would just make it worse, not that his boyfriend was sure to mind that. ”Hey.” He mumbled, folding his arms over his bare chest loosely. ”..Do you want something to eat?” It wasn’t what he wanted to ask, but the words just sort of jumped out in place of what he’d wanted anyway.
Usually sleep was an easy thing for him. At least these days when you had a vampire lover that could help lull you to sleep. Usually it was a thing Lonny so welcomed, that he trusted Jakob to give him with out having to ask, trusted him not to ever hurt him with it because he knew that Jakob just wanted what was best for him. Sleep had ever been a thing that evaded him the past but with a lover with the nifty power to bring it upon him at his command? It made for blessed nights were he could sleep the whole thing through and better energy levels and just....all around general better moods. He loved it, he truly did. He loved that Jakob could do that for him.
Lately though...he had shied from it. Not for the lack of trust, oh God no. But because...what if something happened while he slept? But when he asked Jakob the first time not to ease the night time restlessness of his mind it seemed to hurt his lover...and so he let him continue on doing it. It seemed though his anxieties and fears were far more powerful things some nights because even with the pull of the sleep Jakob laid on him, Lonny found himself waking. Waking with his heart racing at the tip of his tongue, his blood drumming his ears, a cold sweat on his skin, and the feeling as though his breath had been stolen from his chest. Panic. Terrible panic and fear that....and with a look around their room he knew she wasn't. She wasn't there. Jakob, he had taken precautions he and told him that were needed to secure their safety at home. He trusted that. But fear was an awful fucking thing coupled with anxiety and the crushing feeling of utter fucking uselessness that he was being the fragile human being.
When he was calm enough he turned his head, peered at Jakob's sleeping form and so badly, did he want to shift to roll on his side, plaster himself to his lover's body and bury his face into his shoulder but he didn't want to wake him. He didn't want Jakob seeing him like this. He hated....he hated the idea that might make Jakob feel guilty. He knew his lover felt bad enough knowing the effect Anna had on Lonny. That she was around. That she had threatened Lonny at all. He feared so fucking much that Jakob would decide to run away, or give into her for his own safety. To save him. His lover had opted to do such things before in the past. When Jakob had thought it better, safer for Lonny to be apart from him. He knew Jakob had promised not to take that route again but...it was just. Terrifying. Terrifying it might happen again or terrifying she would just win by her own means and....
He bit hard on his lower lip to quiet the whimper that threatened to breath the silence of the room and from there he knew he had to leave unless he wanted to accidentally wake Jakob. Slowly he crept his way closer to the edge of the bed before he could lift himself from it. Successful he was to not rouse his boyfriend or their black kitten (though Inori was far from a kitten in looks these days, ever would he be Lonny's baby though). With that success he carefully made his way from their room and then....he paused, hugging hard at himself as he crossed his arms over his chest and then decided where to go.
His art room came naturally, the room he spent so much of his time doing what he loved and most of the time, painting the man he so loved. He had since hung some of the more tame things up on the walls, though some were a little more...intimate. The other intimate pictures he still had covered for his own viewing pleasure until he figured out a proper way to display them because it honestly felt like such a shame to keep them in just one corner of his room and covered like they were horrible secrets the world shouldn't see. He loved them though. But even with his love for it all, the paintings of Jakob, their friends, Inori on the wall all around him it didn't at all help in shaking the cold trickle of fear crawling up and down his spine. He closed the door softly, a soft sob wrecking at him and he raised his hands to cover his mouth.
Pathetic. He was so fucking pathetic and he went to biting at his lip all over as he lowered his hands from his mouth and made his way to his bay window, raised the cusioned seat to get to the little tuck away storage bellow it. He took a blanket from inside it, as well as the growing scrapbook he was making as a present to Jakob and set it down carefully on the cushioned seat once he closed it back up. After wrapping the blanket around his shoulders and curled himself into his window, opened the book and tried to take comfort in the memories they made together, tried to tell himself they so loved each other. They loved each other so so much and this was the proof of that. Being here in this house with his hand etched into paper work as much as Jakob's was, was proof of that and that alone should mean they would be okay. Love was powerful.
Fairy tale bullshit. "Fuck." A wavering broken sort of word before he raised his hands to his face to wipe at gathering tears, and it only seemed that of course, just of course at that moment Jakob would wake and come and find him. The knock had him jumping, hands tearing from his face to look at the door and then to the scrap book before he tried to hide it and only succeeded in some how smacking it down onto the ground in a way that had some pictures pipping out of place and sliding all over the place and...."Fuck!" Not broken but more panicked this time around. Useless. He was so fucking useless and all the more in the fact that he couldn't even answer Jakob as he knelt to try and carefully pick up the fallen book and pictures.
He knew that just walking on in might have scared him. Even Jakob could be a bit jumpy as of late, even if his little jumps weren’t as visible and done mostly on the inside. It was why he had knocked, and a bit lightly at that. Though before he could even enter he already heard something clatter on the floor. It worried him even more than he’d been before he’d walked in, but once he’d taken a step inside, saw that Lonny wasn’t injured and there weren’t any other vampires in the room with him, he inwardly sighed in relief. It was a short lived relief, because he had clearly still spooked his boyfriend, but one he didn’t take for granted.
He stared at the mess that had been made, at first not knowing what to do or how it had happened. Lonny seemed on edge, not that he didn’t have a reason not to be, but that in itself had Jakob pausing. ”Are you okay?” He spoke in a soft tone, finally snapping out of his hesitation to move and speak. He closed the distance between them until he could kneel down and help Lonny collect whatever it was that he’d dropped on the floor. He picked a picture that had slid across the floor a step away from his boyfriend, not knowing what it was until he turned it over. It was a picture of Jakob and Inori on the couch together, with the vampire and the smaller black cat asleep. He stared at it, and stared some more, but it didn’t take long for it to make Jakob feel flustered.
He thought to ask when it had been taken, take a look at the back again to see if there was a date written on it, but instead of being nozy he thought it best to just..hand it back. A moment later he did just that, waiting for Lonny to have a moment where he could take it back from him before he held it out to the man. He was curious, very very curious what the pictures were for as he noticed them in Lonny’s hands and stuffed now haphazardly in the book, but it didn’t take a genius to notice how Lonny fretted over it. It looked like a secret, felt like a secret, and at that he did feel a little bad that he’d walked in on him to see it. The vampire wasn’t going to pry, unless Lonny wanted to share.
”I can make you tea.” He offered, tilting his head as he watched the man. He could see from where he was a slight dampness on Lonny’s cheeks. They were slightly red, which was another thing he couldn’t help but notice. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, maybe even just hold his hand, but with Lonny’s fretting over the poor mess of a book and seeing as how Jakob had startled him he felt that it was best not to point these things out plainly. He’d learned a few lessons on these sorts of social interactions, what with all the practice he was getting in having actual friends. Sometimes pointing things out wasn’t the way to go. ”There are still cookies I got from the bakery left from yesterday...I can share.”
Was he okay? No... the moment not really. He felt so bogged down in being a useless fucking disaster and he couldn't even do that on his lonesome because here was Jakob, awake and seeking him out and maybe he should have just tried to stay in bed because surely Jakob woke because he hadn't felt him warm beside him. It was agonizing just how badly Lonny didn't want to hurt Jakob with his feelings on top of just trying to....not have a fucking melt down completely and utterly tonight over his fears. He could handle melt downs. He had melt downs before but unlike before he had never had someone who loved him like Jakob did to worry about him when he had them.
So he didn't answer, not trusting his voice really at the moment and paused in his scrounging to watch as Jakob picked up a picture. His jaw tightened some. Making Jakob worried and now ruining the present the had been working so hard on in his spare time, whenever Jakob was sleeping or playing a game....which sort of sucked because Lonny liked watching Jakob play but he just...wanted to get this finished. Well as finished as it could be. It'd never really be finished. They still had their whole lives together to fill more pages of the book or multiple books but....for a start, he was trying to get the first two years of their lives together in it. That thought made him smile a bit at least. Barely there but small it was as he looked down and carefully carded the photos he had gathered together. Well, almost two years. Not quite. But it was still a huge and perfect and wonderful thing to Lonny.
He tried to cling to that one happy thought before a picture came into view, Jakob handing back the one he had picked up off the floor and carefully Lonny took it from him and added it to his little pile. Not too many had been knocked loose thankfully, mostly just the ones in the latest pages he was still arranging. The earlier ones were already thoroughly secured with glue or tap or stickers, ribbon, anything really Lonny could think to use to make it look...perfect. Like a perfect and decorative window into their lives. With the pictures gathered he closed the book up and clutched it gently to his chest, blue hues puffy and red rimmed as he dared to look up at Jakob and felt shameful in knowing he would see. He would see he had been crying if he hadn't already pieced it together. Of course he would though. Hard not to see and on top of that they were both ever so aware of each other.
The offer of cookies broke him a bit...at least just a bit like the thought of the pictures had. It got a small laugh out of him at the very least. Share his precious cookies. Like Lonny hadn't stolen a few already. How very kind of him. "Like you wouldn't have before?" He teased halfheartedly, despite the small burst of silliness he still felt....useless. It ate at him on the inside like a monster trying to create a hallow, a void of absolutely nothing for him to simply sink and disappear into. "I'm sorry. I didn't...I was trying not to wake you up." He said more softly, fingers curling a little more tightly at the edges of the scrap book. He sighed softly and slowly stood, reaching for the pile of photos with one hand so h could walk over to one of his word desks and set the book and pictures down on top of it. He looked so small, standing over it, shoulders hunching some, the collar of his overly large knit sweater falling to expose the smooth cream of his skin. "Tea, would be nice."
The smiles, though they were small, made him proud of himself. Jakob didn’t know if that was selfish of him, but knowing that he’d put that small smile on the man’s features made him feel good. If only it stayed longer than a moment. Jakob stood slowly, watched Lonny as he followed suit after he’d collected the rest of the pictures that had spilled out onto the floor. He still felt it wasn’t something he should be seeing, and for that very reason he let his gaze wander about the room - holding onto some of Lonny’s paintings he’d made and displayed on the walls. Sometimes he was still utterly taken aback by how talented Lonny was, and still so few people knew about it.
When he’d managed to get Lonny to laugh his attention returned to him and his heart melted at the mere sound, in addition to the smile that had appeared because of it. He completely and utterly loved the sound of Lonny’s laugh. He’d been so captivated by it that it took him a second to register what the man had even said. He averted his gaze, a little flustered but couldn’t help a small semblance of a grin at the corners of his lips. Slowly he’d raised a hand to his mouth, and absently played with one of the studs beneath his lower lip. ”I hid the extras.” He was somewhat teasing, but also not. He had secretly gotten another box, and just put them in one of the cabinets that Lonny didn’t often use, one that was high up enough to hide the box when it was pushed back a bit. It was silly, but his point was he worried not for sharing with his beloved - also because he had plenty for himself too.
Lonny’s apology made his small grin fade though. He could have seen that coming, but it was entirely unnecessary. Lonny knew that apologizing to him would just be dismissed, especially over this. Sometimes he wondered why he did apologize, but Jakob understood - now more so - what it was like to have someone worry about you and fear disappointing, or hurting their feelings. He glanced at the man, briefly, then lowered his hand from his piercing. He could tell him not to apologize, remark that he didn’t need to as he always did, or dismiss it by not even acknowledging it. He went with the latter.
Seeing the man looking so defeated already, it made him feel like anything he might say could upset Lonny - make him fall apart. He wanted tell him over and over again that everything would be okay, but what good would it do when he had no real proof of it yet? Slowly he forced himself to move, after feeling stuck just watching the man from where he was. He closed the space between them and gently curled his arms around his boyfriends waist, pulling him close until he felt his frame beneath his sweater pressing against his bare chest. Lonny was going to get sick if he worried like this. It was another thing he would have to blame himself for when and if it happened, but right now he was content to feel him in his arms and know that he was still here at the very least. ”I love the sound of your laugh.” he muttered, before his pierced lips touched to the nape of Lonny’s neck, a bare kiss but mostly just resting there. Jakob closed his eyes so he couldn’t look at the book on the desk in front of them, but it just made him more aware of the sound of Lonny’s heartbeat.
”I love the way you smell like sweets when you come home from work.” Jakob managed a another one of his small grins, before his lips raised from the man’s shoulder. His nose grazed Lonny’s neck until his kissed him there. ”I love how smart you are. How you can paint anything you see. I wish I were as good at something like that.”
He hated feeling like such a yoyo that he was able to feel small moments of happiness before his....before all the negative and feelings of utter uselessness came crashing back down, because oh did it make him feel good to tease Jakob for at least a moment and get the reward of a sweet flustered expression and small grin from it. Much like Jakob, he took pride in moments like those. He bit his lower lip while the moment still lasted, watching his lover toy with his piercing and confess that he had hid some. How awful!! Only not really. Lonny was very aware of Jakob stashing things, even if Jakob thought he wasn't. He just left them alone when ever he noticed it because....he thought it was kind of cute--well more than kind of really--that Jakob was so greedy that he felt the need to hide his sweets from even the love of his life. He took no sort of slighted feelings from it. Again, it was simply really terribly amusing. Jakob was a gem. A goddamn treasure of a man.
"And here I thought we were supposed to share everything." He teased just a small bit more before that awful wave hit and he found himself getting up to put his things away, thankful for the moment to have his face turned away from Jakob while he tried to so desperately to control his expression, but he knew it was...a useless sort of battle. It ached so much in his chest, it made his blood feel cold in his veins, it made him so sick with worry and fear that everything would be stolen from him because he was too fucking weak to be able to help protect them. He might have broken honestly in that moment feeling cold and useless despite Jakob being in the room with him...well fuck it probably was still not a card yet off the table but for the moment?
With Jakob suddenly there, his arms wrapping around him, Lonny closed his eyes, and for a moment let himself be consumed by the warm security of Jakob's arms, the solid feel of his chest pressing against his back. He leaned into the embrace and raised his left arm, covered it over Jakob's and laced his fingers in between his lover's while his right hand raise slowly. A shiver broke though at the soft, so tender feel of Jakob's warm but cool pierced lips against his skin, a soft sigh escaping him and it was then his fingers connected with Jakob's cheek, caressed further back to curve his fingers up and around the shell of Jakob's ear, then finally ventured further to curl into Jakob's hair. He took a moment to simply enjoy the texture, always did he absolutely love the feel of it against his skin, between his fingers.
The sudden randomness, the professing of the things he loved about Lonny, had him...both soaring and sinking. Was that even possible? Fuck if he knew but it was happening so he supposed so. Soaring because he loved hearing the things Jakob loved about him. He didn't often verbally express it--which was perfectly okay--but that said, when it happened it just made him feel all the more special. Those little things, hearing those little things like the smell of sweets on him after work. How Jakob liked that. It had him smiling once more, just a tad, because of course if anything else there would be that. His precious sweet toothed vampire. Though...for all those smarts of his that Jakob loved so much he couldn't keep them safe with it. What was paint going to do against a vampire nest?
"It doesn't keep us safe. None of it will keep us safe. I'm not strong or fast or durable. I can--" He forced his mouth to shut, absolutely loathing himself for letting it slip. Here Jakob was trying to comfort him and he still couldn't pull himself to surface, couldn't put on a happier face for him to keep him from worrying and he fucking hated himself for that. He hated himself so fucking much.
He was glad that when he reached out to take him into his arms that Lonny didn’t pull away, and instead leaned back into him. He didn’t think Lonny would push him away per say, but he worried that his presence -especially while he seemed so fragile- wasn’t entirely wanted. Lonny had come down to his art room instead of waking Jakob up, there had to be a reason for it and what he came up with only lead him to believe that Lonny needed space. He wouldn’t blame him for it either. Jakob wouldn’t even blame him if on the occasion when he was down here he wondered if all of this was worth it. Lonny’s life was so important to him that a small part of Jakob almost wanted Lonny to say he wanted to leave simply because it would mean he would be safe. However, he was kidding himself in that same thought.
He didn’t truly ever want Lonny to leave him, and he knew that if he ever did part from him that Anna now knew who he was, how Jakob felt about him. Lonny would be a target whether they were apart or together, and when he realized this some time ago it made him feel so completely lost too. He breathed his partner in when he felt his hand against his cheek, welcoming the sensation and wanting more. He got just what he wished for when the man moved those slender fingers into his hair, and like Lonny he loved it when he did that.
He hoped that by these actions his words had some sort of positive effect. Jakob couldn’t see his lovers expression, but he could only hope. Lonny deserved to feel like perfection, because in the eyes of the vampire he was everything he wanted, needed and more. He knew he didn’t always tell him these things, and was usually reserved on discussing his feelings in that regard, but he hoped that Lonny always knew it was how he truly felt. If he ever needed reassurance he was there to give it to him. Alas, even Jakob knew that removing his concerns wasn’t always going to work. He understood them, and knew how Lonny felt already. It just saddened him that there wasn’t much he could do to make him feel less hopeless. Turning him was a thought, a very brief stupid thought, that had come to mind, but as quickly as it came he willed it away. He didn’t want Lonny living a life like his, and he didn’t want him to endure a change through all of this.
”Shh.” He murmured against the man’s neck, always wishing he could do something to take this all away. Jakob nuzzled the tip of his nose against his skin, then exhaled slowly. He wouldn’t have thought that he would be able to stand this close to him and not be so tempted to bite the blonde that it would overcome him. To think how far he’d come in the time they’d been together, that alone was a sign to him that things would work out. ”You always look out for everyone around you. It’s okay to step back and let others do what you can’t.” He knew those words weren’t a fix, but Jakob wanted him to know that he had no issue with Lonny on the sidelines rather than in the line of fire if it were to come to it. He didn’t want to think about it either way.
”I’m happy with you the way you are. And even if you were like me, or Leila, it wouldn’t change how I feel. I wouldn’t want you on your own through any of this.” He didn’t want Lonny thinking about this either. ”When I first met you I knew I was going to be a danger to you..but I still started this.” Completely selfish, ”I did this. I did it to the both of us. No matter what I knew, somehow, someway I would hurt you..” Jakob hugged Lonny to him just a fraction tighter, willing his warmth to embrace him as if his heart were made of ice. ”So don’t blame yourself for something that could have, and never will be your fault I would rather you..” Blame him, even hate him if it stopped Lonny from hating himself. Jakob knew that he would accept that if it fixed how Lonny felt, but he knew Lonny. He was too good of a person to even see Jakob was completely at fault here, and that - selfishly- was another reason why he loved him.
Being turned had been something that wandered in mind far before the events of Anna. Lonny had long since acknowledged that he was the down side of their relationship. His mortality against Jakob's immortality....and he hated the idea of one day leaving the man and maybe...Jakob finding someone else. Fuck. Well. Of course he wanted Jakob happy. Of course he wanted only the very best and most wonderful things for him but...how fucking unfair it was that he would have to leave his soulmate and then....would that mean they weren't soulmates at all? It was just a rabbit hole of emotion and things Lonny didn't like pondering over. Point was, it had come to mind before hand. It had been something he figured he'd ask Jakob about...eventually. Maybe in a few years. He wasn't exactly in a rush to discuss it, but....in a few years. That was his time frame for it. He didn't...he didn't think Jakob would like it, and yeah Lonny wasn't really keen on the idea of drinking blood but, if it meant he got to keep Jakob? Lonny would trade anything to keep Jakob.
Turning for this though? He...had thought of that too. He'd be more durable, stronger that way. He might be able to help them....but he didn't want to turn this way. He didn't want to feel rushed just to feel safe but...was that selfish? He didn't know. It was all messed up and fucked up and he was just trying his damn hardest to be a solid figure through it, but these nights happened. He couldn't help it when it happened and fuck it they happened sometimes even in his busiest moments of the day though not as often. Thankfully keeping busy was the key to feeling normal at least for a little bit. At least until Anna came marching into his store to harass him.
A few fresh tears rolled from the corners of his eyes and he closed them tight, foolish he knew it would hardly stop them. The soft shush just solidifying how horrible he was in mind and his fingers tightened between Jakob's while his lover's nose brushed against his skin. Utterly trusting, on that note it wasn't even a concern to Lonny that Jakob might simply bite him on urge. Well. On a random urge. When offered, he hardly minded, or when they were tangled up in each other he hardly minded. When he knew Jakob needed him, he hardly mind so standing right here as they were? It was hardly one of those moments and thus, Lonny had no fear of it. Maybe someone might call him a fool to trust a vampire...but Jakob never gave him cause not to. He always controlled himself when it counted, and that gave the nod to Lonny, in just how much Jakob cared for him.
He didn't like the sudden turn however, and as Jakob held him more tightly, Lonny only mirrored it, his arm pressing against Jakob's as a frown settled on his features, and this was exactly what he didn't want. Jakob blaming himself, possibly loathing himself for these dangers they faced. He fucking hated that most of all. It absolutely, none of this, was Jakob's fault. He didn't call on Anna to come here and try and fuck with their lives. He didn't ever ask for Anna or any of the things she had done to him either. He was a victim through and through a victim like any other in Lonny's opinion and maybe that made him a foot too, to believe but fucking fight him on it and he'd battle to he was blue in the face and then some.
"You aren't hurting me Jakob." His fragile sounding voice starting to hold a more solid and stern tone, eyes openings, frows furrowed in a hard way as he turned his head to peer at the man as best he could. His fingers so tight between Jakob's and he released his hold in his hair to rest his other arm atop of Jakob's, laced his fingers just as tightly through his now other covered hand. "You didn't start this all your own. I wanted you. I wanted you so badly and I still want you so badly, you are my world." His dreams, all the beautiful and good things in life. All the good things. "I blame that bitch....of thinking she can fuck with you, for being the monster she is, for hurting you, for hurting other innocent people....of trying to take you away from me." His voice broke just a bit on that, because he couldn't help it. He feared that above all else. That she'd take him, and Jakob would have to endure that nightmare all over again.
He knew better than to say the things he was. After he said them he already regretted voicing them, letting such words fall out of his mouth for Lonny to hear. It was unspoken that he felt this way, at least mostly. Lonny was smart, and picked up on him too easily sometimes, but Jakob only wanted him to know all the good things and not so much the bad thoughts he had about himself. He was still a work in progress, but he still so strongly believed what he’d said whether he should have said it or not. He knew he was a danger to Lonny, with or without Anna or even his past coming back to haunt him.
He was a vampire, and Lonny’s blood had been something to catch his attention. That was never a good thing for a monster like him.
Jakob felt Lonny’s hands tighten their hold on his own, and as the blonde moved the other from his hair to hug him just as firmly he opened his eyes slow. He looked down at his lover, after raising his features from his neck once he’d felt him look up. Admittedly he didn’t really want to see the look on Lonny’s face right then, worried that he’d be angry or worse, upset. At least he only seemed to see one of those, but he was still losing regardless. His own expression took on one of concern, hinted guilt. He looked away from him when staring into his eyes was too difficult, but didn’t ignore the things he said.
He had started this, regardless of Lonny wanting him too. He could have tried harder to lock down his curiosity, his feelings, and Lonny’s returned advances, but he hadn’t. Lonny wasn’t the one with the literally killer baggage, or the risk of murdering someone if he didn’t eat for a while. Still, hearing him say that he was his world made his chest feel heavy, his skin tingle, and his hands feel warmer in Lonny’s hold. He had hurt innocent people. He had been just as bad as she was, and having her around just reminded him of it. By doing nothing, by listening to what she’d said and go along with it, if anything he had been worse.
He said nothing of this. He’d opened his mouth once already and said things he shouldn’t, and when he heard Lonny’s voice waver he looked back down at him once more. His cheeks were still red, faintly, but still. He didn’t speak, not at first, but brought his lips to Lonny’s hair and kissed him. ”I love that you care so much for your friends.” He paused to rest his cheek against blonde locks, humming as he thought. ”Sweet, kind, and brave.” Jakob still didn’t know what he’d done to deserve him. ”I’m a lucky vampire.”
He managed a grin, sighing softly. ”I should make you that tea.”
And Lonny would argue it, that Jakob wasn't a danger to him Anna or no. Jakob couldn't control the evils he had endured from his past. He wasn't here making them come to their door step to try and take it all away. Nor was he an evil person himself. He had been a young man tricked and turned by a monster from what Lonny knew of it. He lived in a world of hell and when you lived in hell you'd do funny things to survive. Did it make it right? No, not exactly, but it meant you could be redeemed. Lonny thought Jakob had been doing a rather good job of that. Loving him, being so good to him, taking care of him. Taking care of their friends? Someone who didn't care, someone who was truly evil didn't do those kinds of things...and they certainly didn't hold someone so tender like Jakob was holding him now despite the more tightened hold.
A vampire, but not a danger. How many times had Jakob bitten him with out asking? Out side of the accidental bite and the first time they had sex--before Lonny had known about anything at all--he had never not asked. Fuck, Lonny usually was the one to offer if it wasn't already the day they usually held to feed Jakob. Lonny wouldn't offer if he felt he was in danger and Jakob had proven time and time again with his lips so close to his flesh that he could control himself and through that, it just showed Lonny how much he meant to the vampire. A vampire he might be, but that wasn't all of who he was. He was still a man and a man took care and protected the one he loved. He took care of Lonny, he protected Lonny, he made sure he wasn't ever hurting him.
He wasn't a monster, not by a long shot, and try to tell him other wise and Lonny would deck you.
They hard stared this together, and Lonny far from regretted it. He hoped to God Jakob didn't regret it either. This was....this was so many things and everything Lonny hadn't ever dared to wish for because wishing had hurt to much. Waking up and wishing and never getting his wish answered. He hadn't even dared to wish with Jakob, and he had given him everything with out Lonny even having to ask. He was, as he told him time and time again, his dream. No one could ever really pull away from their emotions. People did stupid things all the time out of the pull of what their heart wanted regardless of what rationality told them. If anything the very fact that Jakob hadn't been able to stay away from him just proved so much more to Lonny how human he truly was. He was just like the rest of them, yearning for the soft touch, the sweet words, and the warmth of your lover's heart to be yours.
He sniffed as Jakob peered at him once more after having torn his gaze from him the first time, sniffed again while he praised him, spoke of his love for him, though he closed his eyes and nuzzled his head some against Jakob's cheek. "I'm lucky." He murmured, because with out Jakob he'd have none of this. With out Jakob would....his stomach turned at the thought of the things he used to do. Would have kept doing if he hadn't met Jakob, if he hadn't been so selfish with him. His eyes closed again, and for the moment his anguish of earlier was forgotten in the embrace of his lover and the soft pressure of his cheek against the side of his head. For a moment, he was content, though when Jakob mentioned tea...Lonny frowned, not liking the idea of giving Jakob up now that he had him close again.
He couldn’t picture himself with anyone but Lonny. He had tried. When he thought that the man was better off without him, and had been alone to think about all the reasons they shouldn’t be together he’d tried picturing his future self. He was always alone, and more than likely either doing worse off or the very same he had been before he had met Lonny. Going through the motions was no way he should live, but until he met Lonny it was the only way he knew how to assimilate, to cope, and keep himself distracted from his many faults. It wasn’t healthy, but what part of his life had ever been? The worst part was that this, what he had with Lonny was the realist, most normal thing he’d had in ages, if ever, and it was a rollercoaster - and yet, still, not always bad.
He wished he could take Lonny back to bed so they could maybe re live a good memory. The trip to the hot spring, or another future vacation he wanted them to have, but he didn’t want the man to feel obligated nor guilty if he said no. He loosened his firmer hold on Lonny, feeling guilty himself for the sniffles he heard from him. It was just something that couldn’t be helped, that feeling he got just from hearing the man cry, even tear up, knowing that it wasn’t happy. If only his partners quiet response could have taken away that feeling completely. It made him feel special, as all of Lonny’s compliments did, but he was still..so responsible for all of this in a way that couldn’t just ease every guilty feeling.
With Lonny not easing up on his embrace, he still found that he could grin a little. Jakob hummed, turning his features so his nose caressed the man’s hair. ”Are you turning down my tea?” The vampire whispered above the man’s ear, near his temple. Jakob shifted his weight side to side, making Lonny sway gently with him as he spoke once more. ”We could go somewhere. Maybe get ice cream.” Sure they had ice cream at home, but there were a few places in town that had pretty good flavors and a wide array of toppings that they didn’t have at home. ”I could probably stand here all night too.” He smiled a fraction wider, ”But I don’t know if your legs would like it very much.”
As nice an idea it would have been to offer, going back to bed, letting Jakob help him sleep, dipping into his dreams so they could do that so special thing where Jakob could give him anything or take him anywhere--tonight....he couldn't. Any other night, he would have happily done so but tonight? Not tonight. It felt like....running and there was only so much running that could be done. Sometimes the best thing you could do no matter how shitty, was to work through your pain and your fears and you problems. It didn't make it all go away of course, but throwing it down, bottling it up, that certainly didn't at all make it better. It just built up until it was absolutely too overwhelming to happen.
Which was why Lonny hadn't woken Jakob. Why he hadn't asked him to help put him back to sleep, give him something sweet. It was why he had crawled out of bed to try and just....breath and deal with it and just sit in his awful emotions all the while trying not to add to Jakob's stress. Didn't quite work out that way though. He still felt bad for that, because he knew Jakob felt guilty for his sorrows, his fears, and stress, but at the same time it was...he didn't take for granted the comfort he got now with Jakob's arms wrapped around him. His scent tickling his nose, grounding him with glimpses in memory of lathering the man up with the exact bottle of soap he knew the scent came from. Took comfort in the frame he knew so well, perfectly puzzled to the back of his body. Took comfort in every little gentle bit of affection Jakob gave him whether it was his cheek on his head, his nose roaming his hair, the softness of his words. It didn't fix it all, but...he was grateful despite how much he hated hurting Jakob, that he was here now.
He finally let go of one of Jakob's hands so that he could raise it to his own face, wiped lightly at the tears that stained it, but still stubborn it seemed in not wanting to let go of Jakob's other hand. Not yet at least. Just a little longer, he wanted him close. A little longer. A smile started to linger at his lips, shivering lightly at the ghost of a caress his nose created, the soft whisper of his voice. the softest bubble of laughter managing to escape him, "No no. Not at all." It was just hard letting go. His eyes closed for a brief moment while he was made to sway with his lover while he shifted his weight from foot to foot and Lonny found himself sighing so softly, leaning a little more heavily back into the man. The idea of going somewhere...made him a little nervous. At this time, the night time hours...but as Jakob suggested ice cream he couldn't help but laugh just a little more. He loved him though, for trying so gently to try and cheer him up and suppose it wasn't an alien idea to try and do that with sweets, but knowing just how much Jakob loved him it only served to amuse Lonny a little more than normal, more than anyone else if they had suggested it.
"At this time of night...it'd be an adventure." He answered, and finally let Jakob go only so that he could turn in his lover's arms, smoothed one of his own around to loop at Jakob's waist, his right hand traveled up, caressed along his chest, up the side of his neck until it lifted it from Jakob's skin only to caress his fingers over Jakob's forehead, tuck at his bangs, thumb tracing the fine hairs of his brow before finally trailing down to cup at his cheek while Lonny raised up some to press a kiss between the two studs at the bridge of Jakob's nose. "You are super strong, you could always hold me up." He teased upon his own soft whisper, drawing back to press another kiss to the tip of Jakob's nose before finally stealing another at his lover's lips.
"I need you to know...please I really need you to know none of this is your fault. I know it probably won't be any good...to say it isn't but it isn't. You are still the most beautiful thing that has happened to me Jakob. I regret nothing, I'd do it all over again because you, every moment I have with you is worth everything. He couldn't help saying it, whispering it firmly but gently against Jakob's lips, because times were hard yes. Times right now were hard and scary and it felt...uncertain despite the fact that they wanted to remain together, that they were going to do all this, go through all of it together, come what fucking may they would at least have each other through it, and it was because it was worth it. Worth fighting for, and it was because of that worth and that so great love they had for each other that Lonny just....he felt he needed to tell him that he'd choose it all over again if he could. He really would. He couldn't imagine it any other way. Well, if he had to change anything it was maybe Anna in a fucking pit of fire but you know. The world wasn't exactly perfect. He still had his fingers crossed that it would happen.
There it was. The sound of Lonny’s laughter, and a thing he loved to hear so much. Secretly he gushed when he heard it, and as Lonny leaned into him he knew that he’d never felt more at home. That was what Lonny gave him. He had never truly been at peace with himself before, he’d given up fighting it but he’d still never thought himself to be any good for anyone. Being with Lonny had at least changed that thought and despite everything, his own insecurities, he could admit that he would still have wanted to meet this man. To not experience all that he had, to never feel the love he felt for Lonny, Jakob believed he would have missed out on far too much. The nephilim completed him entirely.
He hoped that with all this gentle laughter that he was making Lonny feel a little better. It made him feel a bit better hearing it. It wasn’t a fix for everything, but moments like this couldn’t be taken for granted. Jakob just wished that Lonny would stop punishing himself alone. A hypocrite he was, just a tad, since he was guilty of doing the very same thing in his own way, but he tried. The vampire did understand that he needed to try to not blame himself, if anything because it would just hurt Lonny too. Jakob loosened his hold when he felt the man move, stood a little straighter when Lonny turned to face him. He was biting the inside of his cheek a little, just to try and keep down his grin.
Honestly he had completely forgotten the time. He was still tired, and having been without a day ring, sometimes on a rare occasion he forgot that his hours were entirely switched to what would be normal for a human rather than a vampire. It was unfortunate for the lack of businesses that were open at this time, but he was in love with the fact that he got to go to his bakeries at respectable times rather than having to phone them to order. Above all else he loved that he got to see Lonny during the day. Looking at the man in the dim lighting ironically just reminded him of when he’d first seen him during the day. He looked as handsome at work as he did in his baggy sweaters, and fuzzy socks.
He shut his eyes when his lover’s fingertips caressed his forehead, tickling the ends of his hair. He loved the feeling, and held the blonde loosely at the hips. He was waiting for a kiss when the man leaned closer, and wasn’t disappointed. The soft kisses to his nose were unique to Lonny, and always would be in his mind. He grinned a little, after Lonny said what sounded like a compliment to his inhuman strengths. This time he didn’t feel ashamed for them. After Lonny kissed him on the lips he tilted his head, selfishly wanting another, but when the man spoke once more he kept himself from stealing one of his own and listened. His grin fell, but not from shame or hurt on his end. He took those things that Lonny set to heart, he really did. It made him so frustrated with himself that Lonny knew that despite what he said Jakob would still feel responsible, and that he was right. Lonny could tell him these things, and he wholeheartedly knew that Lonny didn’t blame him, but it still didn’t keep Jakob from blaming himself even if it was a little. However, he shared the sentiment that it was worth it. Being with Lonny, in the end, was something he couldn’t regret anymore.
”I don’t regret being with you.” He muttered against the man’s lips. ”I couldn’t.” There would still always be a part of him that would have wanted it, that did, and whether it was selfish or not he couldn’t give him up. Jakob kissed his partner, lingering and gentle before he went in for another. ”I love you, Lonny Gold.” The vampire whispered, for this man’s ears and no one else.
It still took his breath away at times, seeing Jakob, the way his lashed touched his cheeks when those so beautiful eyes of his closed, the straightness of his nose, the curve of his cheeks and the upturn of his lips while he tried not to smile. Every little piercings perfectly in place only adding to the thought. <i>So beautiful</i>. The man was the most perfect work of art to be had and held in this world. Perhaps he was just bias being that the man was the center of his world, but fuck it, you couldn't deny Jakob was ever so handsome. It just made him smile a bit to himself before he placed those so sweet kisses to the two spots along his lover's nose. Smiled a bit more when he saw the faint grin his words got from the man. Hardly a negative comment, no, Lonny enjoyed how strong Jakob could be. How effortlessly he could lift him, how safe he felt caged against him. Yes, he was aware others could feel that way in the arms of a normal human man, but the fact that he knew just how strong Jakob was? It just felt him so much more safe and secure and honestly adored knowing how gentle Jakob had to be with him knowing that strength of his.
His thumb caressed so tenderly, back and forth over Jakob's cheek while he watched his vampire's smile fall some at his words. Couldn't be helped, but he just...he needed to say them even if the effect of them wasn't this magical touch of clarity that absolved the problems and worried, the generally negative feelings. He only wished words could be so magical, so purely magical because he couldn't say all words weren't magical. Hearing compliments from Jakob was certainly magical in their very own special way. Hearing now, that Jakob didn't regret their coupling in any way--though Lonny at the core of him always hoped it so--made him smile some at the very least and the kisses were ever well timed with the feeling. The hand at Jakob's cheek lifted only to crook his arm around his shoulders while he returned those kisses softly and sweetly and for the moment it was what he needed to help him in feeling better, to let him at least for the moment, let go of his fears and worries. How long it might last he didn't fucking know however. Sometimes these things just hit him like a God damn freight train.
Finally though, those lingering kisses came to an end and Lonny sighed so contently if not a little disappointed in feeling. Any disappointment that might had been budding was well forgotten upon the sweet words Jakob whispered, the ones Lonny honestly didn't think he could ever tire of hearing and said as much in the next breath of a moment. "I don't think those words will ever stop making me feel so warm." He whispered in return, lips pressing back to Jakob's a moment. "I love you too, Jakob Everhart." This said with a smile as he nuzzled the tip of his nose against Jakob's, a soft bubble of simple happy laughter gushing from him. Short and sweet and Lonny kissed him again while other thoughts fluttered around in mind. The idea of going back to bed....he didn't know if he wanted to go back to bed just yet. He felt bad for that, because what if Jakob was still sleepy? He had certainly sort of looked it, coming through the door when he did.....and then the offer to get ice cream?
Was it terrible that at first, Lonny thought not to bring it back up because he feared going outside at this time of night? But he pushed it down because he didn't want to hurt Jakob's feelings with it. Trust him. He needed to trust him, Jakob, in knowing it was safe else wise he was sure Jakob wouldn't have offered. So maybe getting out for a little bit wouldn't be so bad? An adventure, as he said it would definitely be to get some good ice cream and no doubt they just might end up at a seven eleven to get what they wanted but....maybe it was the silly sort of journey they needed at the moment. "So....about that ice cream adventure?" He asked, breaking his lips from Jakob's and tipped his head back enough to catch his lover's gaze should those lovely eyes of his open, "Feeling up to it?"
Nothing about their relationship did he feel he would truly get used to. Lonny was simply so good to him, and in ways he never thought he deserved or would receive. However, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. He wouldn’t wish to not have it now that he did regardless of the shortcomings they’d been having as of late. The reason behind it mainly being that he loved the man. Pure and simple he loved him with everything in his being and couldn’t be without the man. In each kiss and touch he felt cared for, loved in return, and it was something he’d never truly felt before. He cherished it entirely, and showed it in his words but more importantly in his actions.
Lonny’s whispers against his own lips after what he’d said made his skin prickle with a lovely sensation of goosebumps, as if he’d breath an electric current into him. He loved it, and his grin returned in hearing Lonny return the affections both physically and in his words. Of course he also loved that he could get his lover to react to him this way. When he’d seen him in the room for the first time he’d clearly been crying, guarded in his own way, but now Jakob was getting him to laugh again, smile. He felt like he’d won the battle on fighting off Lonny’s worries just for a little while longer.
He smoothed his hand up the man’s back and carded his fingers gently through his hair when their noses gazed one another. Jakob wanted to kiss him again, and keep doing so honestly. He could be terrible, and more attached than Lonny when it came to physical contact when he was allowed. The vampire just so happened to be better at disguising his needs, but, he also understood that Lonny might not be in the mood for such things. So he kept his kisses chaste, but still unable to hide the fact that if Lonny ever wanted that he could move things along somewhere else. Thankfully, at least Lonny seemed to have his head on straight.
When their lips parted he kept his eyes closed a moment, listening to the man’s words and feeling a delayed reaction of surprise once he realized what the man was accepting and what time it was. Slowly he opened his eyes to look down into those blue hues, still slightly showing evidence of his tears, and looked into him as if searching for any sort of falter or regret in his words. ”Are you sure?” Jakob was the one that regretted asking, the moment he had, because it meant that he wasn’t trusting Lonny was capable of handling being out this late. He certainly didn’t want to give the man more reasons to be afraid of the night time, and while he was with him...honestly Jakob still felt that they were safe. Safe enough.
”Sure.” His smile returned, slow at first but curled up at the corners in his signature tilted smile. It didn’t matter where they went, he was always happy to go anywhere with Lonny, but the potential for more sweets was definitely an encouragement. Even so, he didn’t miss the fact that this was going to push the man out of his comfort zone, and he loved him for trying to be brave for him. ”I’ll have to put a shirt on.” He lowered his hand from Lonny’s hair, only to touch his fingertips across the man’s forehead to sweep blonde locks from his face. Jakob kissed him on the forehead, lingering because he could never help it, then let him go just as reluctantly.
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